Say something about gay babies.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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