I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
