Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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