I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize