i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My vagina just recognized that song.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
