Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
