Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
