so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
