I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
