the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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