Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
