So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
