Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
