Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
