He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
