Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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