Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize