If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I need moral support for this bender
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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