I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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