Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My balls are so social today.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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