I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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