i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
