On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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