Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
