I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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