I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
