just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
