you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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