he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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