after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize