that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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