I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
