What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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