K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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