ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Randomize
