ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
