Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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