You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
