I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
