Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
