At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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