goodnight i made you a song goodbye
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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