Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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