we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's like iHOP with fire
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
