I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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