Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
