Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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