if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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