I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
