It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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