My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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