Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
