I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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