omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
