so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
