An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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