I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
