he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have tasted many bathrooms
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
