so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
