some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
