it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just gift wrapped bread.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
